he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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