To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
