I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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