Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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