Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
