I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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