look no pants
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
