Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
