Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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