dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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