There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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