I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
