I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
