She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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