I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
