My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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