I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
