I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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