i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
