I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
