o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
