I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
