I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
