I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
