where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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