I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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