If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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