you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
