Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
