I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
