You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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