I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
