Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
