Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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