Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
