I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
