i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
