Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
