i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
