mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
