so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
