Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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