The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
