this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
