good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
