I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
