mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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