At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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