Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
