final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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