Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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