normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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