I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
