Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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