OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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