I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
